my first night in mexico i found a bartender and i sunk my giant, very long acrylic nails [which were painted with tiny palm trees and corona bottles, alternatively] deep into his face so he would love me for the entirety of my time there. he was so totally my bff that he even invited us to the mountains with him and his family on his only day off. i agreed in my drunken state but then thought better of it in my hangover state the next day because we were afraid we'd be sold into white slavery or something. the sun rises very late there and that confused me but mostly because i was always hungover and eager for it to become 10am so that i could shampoo myself into a less shitty feeling with a tom collins or a vodka lemonaid slushee from my bff. oh how i miss that man. i'm sorry to say there weren't many ladies who were lookers at the resort, maybe 5 at most, and i was one of them. you bet your ass those acrylic nails put me in the top 5.

sometimes i go to the bathroom at work and just sit on the toilet infinity after i'm done peeing and i call it 'me time'. sometimes 3 or 4 people will come in and pee while i'm enjoying me time and a lot of times at least one of those people will leave without washing their hands. i'd love to leap off the pot to see their shoes so i know who's gross but then i'd be the gross one with my cheek to the bathroom floor.