it's either that or a cockfight

Awesome is accidentally dropping your last tampon into the toilet before you get to tampon fuck yourself.

Ladies, can I get a WHAT WHAT?
Fellas, can I get you to not puke on my shoes?

ktksbye.

london you're a lady

Sometimes I wonder if everyone else jills off as much as I do. I mean I have a pretty good idea that somextxone does but sometimes think I'm friggin amazing for pulling out so many of those puppies in one sitting. Or maybe that's not even a lot what the fuck do I know? Or maybe I'm totally underestimating myself because I honestly don't count how many times I get there, I just go. One then wait about a minute then again, then wait another minute then again, next thing I know I'm sweating more than I did when I ran my last marathon and my legs are fucking killing me...like that crease where my legs meet my hips is so stiff and the pain is so ridiculous that I have a hard time straightening them back out. So yeah I'd say I go 25 times at the least, 50 times tops and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm single but I still remember doing this shit a lot even when I had a live in. I've gotta say it's really pretty addicting because I'll plan on getting it on with myself but I'll say 'self, first you must read 20 pages in this book you're reading and THEN you can handle your biznaz' but then I'll be reading and I'll be like 'dude, Phillip K Dick is a fucking awesome writer! Dick! Time to get off and then I can't even think about reading anymore because I'm consumed with dick! Shit dude. Yeah so if you could clue me in on yours I'll be totally stoked. This is all with the monarch, in case you were wondering (and I'm sure you were), nothing going in, this is all surface work we're talking about here. The best thing about being single is being able to fall asleep in the middle of my very awesome bed with my head floating in the middle of all 4 feathery pillows and my vibrator resting quietly against my inner thigh. The worst thing about being single is that all of that happens but there usually isn't any jizz on my chin or tits or on my person in general.

Enough about me, where have I been for the past couple of months anyway? Not working and getting my head shrunk, that's where. Now the holidays are over and I'm back to work and I have a lemon sized head. Weird, right? I mostly missed you.