sometimes

sometimes, you cannot speak of your love for another.

sometimes, someone will suck you in and spit you out when you get too close because that is all they know how to do.

sometimes, someone’s heart will break and crack into tiny little fragments in their chest before it even hits the ground.

sometimes, the timing is off.

sometimes, things go right and sometimes things go horribly wrong.

sometimes, you give and sometimes you take.

sometimes, you say you are sorry.

sometimes, you walk away.

sometimes, things are not your fault and sometimes others will see differently.

sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

sometimes, well…sometimes, love is too much.

sometimes, things aren’t always what they seem.

sometimes, you have no energy and it takes every ounce of strength left to open your eyes, stare up at the ceiling and force yourself out of bed.

sometimes, you can’t breathe. you can’t even whisper a barely audible hello to a complete stranger because you know the second you open up your mouth, your voice will crack and the tears will fall because your heart and mind just can’t seem to stop thinking...

sometimes, you are skipping down the street whistling a merry, little tune because you are the one that walked away.

sometimes, you are so sad and alone that you can’t even stand to be in your very own skin.

sometimes, you are in love. so much in fact, that nothing else really seems to matter and you are flying. you are flying so high that you literally cannot breathe because the beautiful feeling next to you feels that good.

sometimes, you can’t sleep at night. you toss and you turn and it sucks because you know in just a few short hours you have to force yourself to get up and go to work.

sometimes, writing in your journal just isn’t enough. so you find yourself typing uncontrollably and you send your passage to a wide, open space for all the world to see. and you find comfort in that because someone out there is going through the exact same thing as you and no matter how uncanny it is, they can 100% relate to everything you are saying/typing, feeling and thinking. you then realize that you are not alone after all.

sometimes, you sleep well. a little to well.

sometimes, you regret things; whether it be actions or words and sometimes you don’t regret a thing.

sometimes, you wake up and look over at your beautiful feeling, who is sound asleep, and think about how much you love them. then your ego takes over and tells you how much you despise them. how your beautiful feeling is no longer beautiful because it is bringing you down and everything else around you. it is too much work, too much energy for you to deal with. your beautiful feeling has gotten to close and it has made you see things in yourself that you were not ready to see, nor were you prepared to see. you start to get angry and make up every excuse as to why it won’t work. without hesitation, you get up, you get dressed, you pack up your belongings and slowly and quietly creep towards the door, knowing full well it is a point of no return. whatever reasons your ego is giving you to walk beyond that door, you are listening because your ego is a very powerful thing; despite what your heart says, your ego forces you to open that door. it’s not your fault, nor is it your beautiful feeling’s fault.

sometimes, things just happen and things occur and it is out of your control. so you open that door and you leave with no kiss on the forehead, no handshake, no peace, no wish you well, no note or message of any kind. you just simply walk away.

sometimes, you wake up and look over at a total stranger because you were trying to fill a void by having meaningless sex.

sometimes, you wake up and look over and see nothing but an empty space. so you roll over on your back and stare up at the ceiling and a tear falls and gets your ear all wet…but you don’t care because you are much too involved in your thoughts. and you begin to wonder about your beautiful feeling because it wasn’t too long ago that they lay next to you. and you realize your ego was wrong all along…you don’t hate your beautiful feeling. in fact, they were one of your greatest teachers. had it not been for them, you would not have learned all that you did since your breakup. and then you realize you never stopped loving that person. in fact, you love them just as much, if not more, today than you ever did before; even though it has been months since your last interaction. and then you get upset, sad and frustrated because you can’t call them or email them to say hi or to even say thank you for whatever reasons you have.

sometimes, you treat another horribly; even though you know it is wrong and would never want to be treated in the same fashion yourself, you do it anyway. why? after all, you did share a history with that person. it doesn’t matter how or why it ended, what does matter is respect for another human being. swallow your pride and kick your ego to the curb and at the very least, shake hands before you walk and kick them to the curb.

sometimes, you are the crusher.

sometimes, you are the crushed.

sometimes, you cannot speak of your love for another, for whatever reasons you have. no matter how intense, how strong, how passionate, how beautiful, how chaotic, how distant or how real your feelings and love are…sometimes, typing is all you have left.

sometimes, you want to talk with that person and tell them anything and everything, even if it is as just a friend. you miss this person in your life, just because. but you can’t tell this person anything because this person doesn’t want to be contacted because this person’s ego says so.

sometimes, you are the one in control and say, ‘please, no contact.’ no matter who you are and what the situation is…everyone deserves a second chance. we have all been the crusher’s and we have all been the crushed, so we all know what it feels like on either side. why spit on someone then? if you can aide in closure, in giving someone peace…please do so. if you are not willing to give a second chance to the friendship and or the relationship, at least say, ‘peace to you’…then walk away.

sometimes, when i think of you and i, i wonder...was i the crusher or was i the crushed?

sometimes, i wonder about you, just as i am sure you wonder about me. i mean, we are human after all. but god forbid one of us picks up the phone or emails the other. despite everything that has happened and every thing that was said…god forbid, because we have too much pride, don’t we? so i will continue to wonder about you, just as you will probably continue to wonder about me. and as a result, i will always wonder what could have been.

just like i know you are going to automatically think this is about you.
well, it’s not.
because you see…sometimes…
sometimes, things aren’t always what they seem.

sometimes, i forget.
which ever role i played.