my first night in mexico i found a bartender and i sunk my giant, very long acrylic nails [which were painted with tiny palm trees and corona bottles, alternatively] deep into his face so he would love me for the entirety of my time there. he was so totally my bff that he even invited us to the mountains with him and his family on his only day off. i agreed in my drunken state but then thought better of it in my hangover state the next day because we were afraid we'd be sold into white slavery or something. the sun rises very late there and that confused me but mostly because i was always hungover and eager for it to become 10am so that i could shampoo myself into a less shitty feeling with a tom collins or a vodka lemonaid slushee from my bff. oh how i miss that man. i'm sorry to say there weren't many ladies who were lookers at the resort, maybe 5 at most, and i was one of them. you bet your ass those acrylic nails put me in the top 5.

sometimes i go to the bathroom at work and just sit on the toilet infinity after i'm done peeing and i call it 'me time'. sometimes 3 or 4 people will come in and pee while i'm enjoying me time and a lot of times at least one of those people will leave without washing their hands. i'd love to leap off the pot to see their shoes so i know who's gross but then i'd be the gross one with my cheek to the bathroom floor.

the night my vacation started we went with happy hour. we ate a lot of stuff and drank a lot more. a conversation at the bar lead to me suggesting we drive out to vegas that night and finish out that weekend proper. everybody was in except one crybaby who was being such a crybaby that she forced me to corner her in the bathroom and strongarm her into going with us. my lesson there was to make sure i was taking fake shots while everyone else took real ones, that way everyone would be 100% in and i might even still be able to drive.

we didn't go.

i remember having a conversation with a hot old guy and wondering if i could get him to fuck me in the bathroom. he was really old too. what the hell is my obsession with old guys anyway, seriously?

anyway.

on our way to another bar i backed into an illegal without a license. her shotgun rider was getting smart and tried to get money out of me. i got brave and offered to just call the police instead. the lady selling roses in a bucket assured her that was not an acceptable option and we were on our way. shit my pants much? kindof!

fuck work.
fuck it right in it's pretty little mouth.
i was getting so depressed about having to go back that i've been ripped since saturday afternoon.
i'm pretty sure i'm still drunk now so we'll talk later.