I should seriously consider becoming the girl Magnum PI because I am a super detective. I pretty much already have the 'stache for it so I'm only a hawaiian shirt and a pair of aviators away from owning my own PI business. Seriously, I would earn so many dollars-US, like enough to buy myself my own beach, a Baskin Robbins store, a hammock, and maybe a cool skateboard every month. I know you're probably doubting my skills right now but give me a test assignment and I sweat to god I'll come through. Yeah, I said sweat. Now this kind of newfound skill is both awesome and depressing or what some of you might call bittersweet because I have been know to work for myself on an occasion or two, finding things that make me feel like like I got punched in the stomach by Fatso's hairy fists of furry. Not awesome. I'm glad I finally got to change the Italian mosaic picture on my calender. Again , bittersweet because I no longer have to glance up at that dick mosaic man looking past his fine woman anymore-but now that brings me closer to Pearl Harbor day. And believe me peeps, bombs will drop again that day, not atomic, but of the jades variety. You will NOT enjoy having the jadesbomb drop on your stupid receding hairline either because it will hurt worse than when I kick your low-hanger balls. Fuck. I haven't decided which will come first though-any thoughts out there? Moving on. Ah yes, moving on. It will be nice and sad and kind of gives me gas. Horiz? You feelin me on that one? But really, moving on. I'm thinking about ditching my vibrator. It's cold and doesn't bend and my hands are way cuter anyway. Actually my hands look like old lady hands so I can get a better picture of what it'll be like when I'm 67 and still groping myself. HOT! No, not hot so maybe I'll just wear gloves. How dainty! I was the Mad Hatter for Halloween. 3 things pissed me off about Halloween. The fact that I may or may not be getting sick was not one of the 3 because I am totally used to that. When I was a kid I was sick on Halloween from age 9-14. Swearsies! Ok so that first year I wasn't really sick, I just had 7 teeth pulled so I was all doped up and drooling all over the brown and yellow vinyl kitchen floor.
I'm also giving up food.
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5 comments:
(1) can't you put your vibrator in the microwave before you use it? that way it's both warm and germ free.
(2) breathing gives me gas.
(3) Horiz is starting to grow on me. I'm going to feel it out on myspace. how fucking gay is that?
(4) i want thai food.
OH OH! and 5! I almost forgot. Can I be TJ? I'm only one letter off. TJ, the cool black helicopter pilot sidekick? Yeah, Wesley Snipes at his finest role. And fuck you, cuz i'm not going to be Higgins!
2 points...
you are not giving up food
they are not low hangers
carry on.
I know a few guys who wish you had 7 teeth pulled right now.... Gummy head is all the rage.
So I guess this means that you're single again, this return of you to the cyberwaste.
Like a tumbleweed and shit.
It has happened to me, too, but I've been long in returning.
For a time I thought that the muse was dead and that the sirens had stopped their singing.
But I was wrong.
Ride the stinger, kid.
Fatso's hairy fists of furry is the new name of my band. I don't have a band.
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