WTF CanadaFace, Vadge, Danskin? Where the eff my grammas at?
Everyone must be getting laid.
I hate you all.





Just kidding.

remember...when you eat, you're a vacuum with tits.

2 more days and Ima little bit closer and a little bit further away. I don't have any plans but I took the day off anyway. And the next day after that, too. 2 more days until Ima off for 2 extra days and I probably won't even masturbate once in those 4 days. Maybe it's because Imaddicted to scrabbulous. Maybe it's because Ima hoping Ima getting laid so Ima saving up. Sometimes I pretend my hair is a mustache on my own face. Sometimes I hate myself for always hating reality TV but finding out I love Project Runway. I tried to love ANTM but I think it made me stupid. I cleaned out my storage this weekend and sold all my ex' crap that he refused to pick up-on craigslist, for example, I sold a box of playboymags for $25 to some asian business man in a very expensive suit. Ima not too hot on asian mens but Ima gonna admit that while he looked through the box of mags I might have had a flash in my head that I fucked him in the storage. It's dusty in there, the storage. While we fucked, I flipped through an issue with Shannon Do-whore-ty on the cover then I blew him and he came on my tits.

Sorry Carlos, I meant to save those mags for you.

and her cat sits with his tail out so his anus touches everything

Hey why don't you stop crying for a minute and let me explain myself.

I don't have an explanation, I don't even care.

Sometimes I forget to even read blogs and I actually do care about that because after reading some fucking shitty writing lately, I realize that XTbagX is a genius and if I'm not reading her blog every day then I'm a total fag.

Someone I call Phenomenal here at work (because she says to 'have a phenomenal day' on her voicemail) asked if I wanted to try some of her tea so I says "yeah sure, what flavor?" and she said, "comforting".
wtf?
I wonder if they have "ejaculating".
Then someone I call Christie Black (I think this nickname is pretty obvious here) asked if I wanted her banana because it was too ugly for her to eat. I told her she was a shallow bitch and I took her banana anyway and ate it like you'd hope to catch me eating it.

Anyway, everything is mostly the same except I have to spend more time designing things on the computers and less time not doing that. I raked it in with my own special brand of Valentine cards and art that now hangs on other peoples walls-people who could give a shit about the artist but just want to say they have local art on their wall.

Anyway stop fucking crying before I fucking give you something to fucking cry about.
Wow, THAT'S love.

it's either that or a cockfight

Awesome is accidentally dropping your last tampon into the toilet before you get to tampon fuck yourself.

Ladies, can I get a WHAT WHAT?
Fellas, can I get you to not puke on my shoes?

ktksbye.

london you're a lady

Sometimes I wonder if everyone else jills off as much as I do. I mean I have a pretty good idea that somextxone does but sometimes think I'm friggin amazing for pulling out so many of those puppies in one sitting. Or maybe that's not even a lot what the fuck do I know? Or maybe I'm totally underestimating myself because I honestly don't count how many times I get there, I just go. One then wait about a minute then again, then wait another minute then again, next thing I know I'm sweating more than I did when I ran my last marathon and my legs are fucking killing me...like that crease where my legs meet my hips is so stiff and the pain is so ridiculous that I have a hard time straightening them back out. So yeah I'd say I go 25 times at the least, 50 times tops and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm single but I still remember doing this shit a lot even when I had a live in. I've gotta say it's really pretty addicting because I'll plan on getting it on with myself but I'll say 'self, first you must read 20 pages in this book you're reading and THEN you can handle your biznaz' but then I'll be reading and I'll be like 'dude, Phillip K Dick is a fucking awesome writer! Dick! Time to get off and then I can't even think about reading anymore because I'm consumed with dick! Shit dude. Yeah so if you could clue me in on yours I'll be totally stoked. This is all with the monarch, in case you were wondering (and I'm sure you were), nothing going in, this is all surface work we're talking about here. The best thing about being single is being able to fall asleep in the middle of my very awesome bed with my head floating in the middle of all 4 feathery pillows and my vibrator resting quietly against my inner thigh. The worst thing about being single is that all of that happens but there usually isn't any jizz on my chin or tits or on my person in general.

Enough about me, where have I been for the past couple of months anyway? Not working and getting my head shrunk, that's where. Now the holidays are over and I'm back to work and I have a lemon sized head. Weird, right? I mostly missed you.

it's like shitting - just let it go right on the couch

Ok so I had this dream the other night that I was dating Damien Rice. I don't know where or how we met but all of a sudden he was sweet on me and me him and we were this out of nowhere couple complete with me being included in all of his TV interviews. He was promoting his 9 album and I'd sit there next to him all cute, constantly looking back and forth between him and whoever was interviewing us (Larry King, once) and smiling and laughing and he'd put his hand on my leg and squeeze it when he was embarrassed . Sometimes I'd answer questions, but they were always about him like "What do you guys watch on TV?" and to that I replied "We watch Curb Your Enthusiasm but I'm pretty sure he only watches it for me and that he hates Larry David. The big story wasn't his new album though, it was the fact that Damien was dating a non Hollywood/music industry type like me. He kept calling me "a regular" and when asked how he felt about that he'd say that it was totally fucking awesome dating "a normal" like me except he didn't say 'totally fucking awesome'-instead he'd use some obscure Irish antidote that nobody understood, not even me. He'd say we do all the things "the normals" do like lick our fingers after we eat Doritos and hike Mt. Tam and fuck in the shower. Of course I would blush when he'd say the word 'fuck' but only because we did fuck in the shower. Maybe it's because he liked to immediately wash "the normal" pussay off of him, idunno. And none of that bothered me because I knew he was a rebound for me anyway and I knew that he'd soon break things off all dramatical-like so he could go off and date a younger blonde chic with no ass. Yeah, that was all fine with me because I had my eye on Harry Osborne and Harry is local and spending weekends in Ireland was often tiring. Plus Harry is more emotionally stable than Damien anyway so what the hell, right?

I love it when Richelle has the nerve to call me a whore and to keep my legs closed.

go all slappy-town on him

You should know that I'm still here, in fact it's kind of like I'm back and in the best way you can imagine which means living life the way it's meant to be lived. One thing you should know about your Jades is that it's important to NOT FUCK WITH ME because the mind fuck that comes back your way is brutal and I hate crybabies. Also, Dan will kill you on my word and I don't think you even want to get any hamper action all over your stupid face. So this weekend I had this dinner party for my mom and the fams is drunk on margaritas and playing Cranium and it's my turn to do a humdinger (not code for dirty things). I'm just mentioning this because I am Queen of the Humdingers (in every way you can think of) and believe me you will guess that song in 2 notes. Also, I wish my karaoke skills were up to this level. I think one difference is that I don't spit during humdingers (same thought as before) so everything is beautiful clear throat action. I was going pee earlier. That's not all! I pulled around the little strings that tie around the back of my shirt so they wouldn't dip into the tank and they were warm. I'm guessing it's because they were nestled in my asscrack. HAMPER!

Moving on.

freaking is not a crime

Can we please fucking talk about something else around here? I mean if you're going have your mind consumed with something then, for the love of balls, let it be about something good. Or minty. Seriously, you guys have a problem. WTF. I have to think of a new diet plan. Currently I walk around my house in a bikini so that every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror I stick my finger down my throat. I have tons of mirrors up in my house, maybe one on every wall. I have to because I'm gorgeous and I was told that's what the beautiful people do. Just kidding about the purging thing, btw, you're forgetting I'm also very cheap. Anyway, you'd be surprised to find out that I somehow became a total lightweight when it comes to booze and that all of a sudden one pint has me acting like I did on a half dozen dirties. I mostly blame the running and you should too. Please don't be disappointed. ps-ruffies still work on me. I should be leaving for Vegas tonight but fucking shocker-I'm not.

Here is where I was going to show you me as the Mad Hatter on Halloween but I can't because it's too fucking funny mostly because my nipple was showing.

I thought guys liked having big necks?

I should seriously consider becoming the girl Magnum PI because I am a super detective. I pretty much already have the 'stache for it so I'm only a hawaiian shirt and a pair of aviators away from owning my own PI business. Seriously, I would earn so many dollars-US, like enough to buy myself my own beach, a Baskin Robbins store, a hammock, and maybe a cool skateboard every month. I know you're probably doubting my skills right now but give me a test assignment and I sweat to god I'll come through. Yeah, I said sweat. Now this kind of newfound skill is both awesome and depressing or what some of you might call bittersweet because I have been know to work for myself on an occasion or two, finding things that make me feel like like I got punched in the stomach by Fatso's hairy fists of furry. Not awesome. I'm glad I finally got to change the Italian mosaic picture on my calender. Again , bittersweet because I no longer have to glance up at that dick mosaic man looking past his fine woman anymore-but now that brings me closer to Pearl Harbor day. And believe me peeps, bombs will drop again that day, not atomic, but of the jades variety. You will NOT enjoy having the jadesbomb drop on your stupid receding hairline either because it will hurt worse than when I kick your low-hanger balls. Fuck. I haven't decided which will come first though-any thoughts out there? Moving on. Ah yes, moving on. It will be nice and sad and kind of gives me gas. Horiz? You feelin me on that one? But really, moving on. I'm thinking about ditching my vibrator. It's cold and doesn't bend and my hands are way cuter anyway. Actually my hands look like old lady hands so I can get a better picture of what it'll be like when I'm 67 and still groping myself. HOT! No, not hot so maybe I'll just wear gloves. How dainty! I was the Mad Hatter for Halloween. 3 things pissed me off about Halloween. The fact that I may or may not be getting sick was not one of the 3 because I am totally used to that. When I was a kid I was sick on Halloween from age 9-14. Swearsies! Ok so that first year I wasn't really sick, I just had 7 teeth pulled so I was all doped up and drooling all over the brown and yellow vinyl kitchen floor.

I'm also giving up food.

your house is a midget hot dog

Oh for fucksake and jeezusHchrist, I already know I'm a total bearded dickface so save it. Things are confusing and messy and cloudy and shit but that doesn't mean I can't take a little vacation down to good ol' Los Angeles for a day or six and do all things touristy, right? By touristy I mean sitting in the front row at Leno and being handed a chance to look at a pregnant actress panties during the entire taping of the show. First I have to admit that I was totally high the whole time and second I am disappointed that I didn't get a chance to meet Fatso, my hero. Everyone's all OMG HOW DID YOU GET THIS HOOKUP and I'm like yeah I know peeps who know I like to see pregnant actress panties oh and tight ass country singer jeans including man-toe. I also ate Roscoes and Pinks and Pinkberry and you'd think that Roscoes still held my heart but after a meal of pastrami ON TOP OF MY HOT DOG then following that orgasm up with weird plain frozen yogurt holy crap, it's reason enough to move down to LA I swear. I might be banned for a while though because I told off quite a few people including the boyband reject KJ at some supposed karaoke hotspot and some prick homo at some prick Chinese restaurant. Yes, I drank a lot more than is acceptable-thank god for that Gran Burrito place in the ghetto because those mexicans saved my ass, even if they do poison white people with 'hamburgers'. Who orders a hamburger in a place like that anyway? Crackers do, that's who. I'm only half cracker so I'm not talking about myself here. I also spent a fair amount of time at the beach because it was hotter than crazy, starting fires and shit. I saw this one chic power walking along the sand like a mofo, her iPod on blast, and I thought OMG IS THAT XTX BECAUSE I WILL TACKLE HER FINE ASS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW but I didn't want to take the chance being I was still drunk from the night before and not being able to get up from my blanket etc. Drinking is getting as old as I am and just when I think I'm over it I accidentally get shitfaced as soon as I got back from my vacation and had to call in sick. I swear it was an accident too. Well ok maybe not because I was drinking with Irish maniacs but they weren't my planned company for the night so see? Accidental-like most anal. Oh that reminds me, I bought a hella cute jacket that the hot wife on Curb Yer Enth wore on the show at some freaky thriftish store and that was mostly for Dan. It was either that or a can of Spam costume and I know some of you are kind of mad at the decision I made, but dude that can was thirty bucks-fuck that!

I think I'm convenient and that's annoying.